The Need To Be Understood

Have you heard of the Indian Talking Stick story? I picked it up in Dr Tim Elmore’s book, Habitutes.

It’s about two tribes in disagreement. A council assembly was called in which the two chiefs were facing each other in a circle. Several moments of silence…then, in a burst of emotion, the group erupts with angry shouts and accusations. No one is listening…until the visiting chief steps forward and raises the Talking Stick.

The Talking Stick is passed around from person to person, but the only one holding it is allowed to speak. It remains in the speaker’s possession until he/she feels completely understood by everyone in the group. The only exception is when the speaker might lend it to someone who is seeking to clarify their point. Once the point is clarified, the stick returns to the speaker until they believe they are fully understood. Only then is it passed to the next individual.

It’s a simple concept but the end result is amazing. As the tribal members pass the stick around, they slowly become less combative and more cohesive. Relationships are restored. All because the focus is on understanding, not just being understood.

Without question, the greatest emotional need of people today is the need to be understood.

In any relationship especially when two or more people are working together, conflicts usually occur because of this.

You don’t understand what I’m saying

Eh, this is not what I meant

You didn’t get it. You misunderstood me. You’re not listening

Sounds familiar? Listening takes effort and patience. Some even said it’s a skill. It’s not hearing for dogs hear too. No wonder, it’s tough.

In fact, listening involves every senses. Have you heard, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” (Read more here)

Looks like a stick has just found itself another purpose..:)